Effective immediately, a toilet policy will be established to provide a more consistent method of accounting for staff during working hours, thus ensuring effective time management and equal treatment for all employees. In the future, the doors to all toilets will be equipped with computer linked voice recognition devices, which can only be activated to open at the sound of a person’s voice. Staff must therefore immediately provide management with two voiceprints, one in a normal tone and one under stress/desperation. The following rules shall apply.
1. On the first day of every month, all staff will be issued 22 toilet trip credits, which may be accumulated.
2. Once the employee’s toilet trip bank reaches zero, the doors of the toilet will not unlock for the employee’s voice until the first working day of the following month.
3. In addition, all cubicles are to be equipped with timed paper roll extractors. If the toilet is occupied for more than three minutes, an alarm will sound. Thirty seconds later, the roll of toilet paper will retract into the dispenser, the toilet will flush, and the door will open automatically.
4. If the toilet remains occupied, your photograph will be taken by a security camera and will appear on the TOILET OFFENDERS BOARD.
5. Anyone appearing three times will forfeit three months’ toilet trip credits.
6. Anyone caught smiling when the photograph is taken will undergo counseling.
7. Be advised that workman’s compensation insurance does not cover any injuries incurred while trying to stop the toilet paper retracting into the dispenser or trying to keep the door from opening.
We trust that you will cooperate fully with this policy and suggest that if you have any problems, you should make more use of your facilities at home where you can sit to your heart’s content. Signed: THE MANAGEMENT
YOU KNOW YOU’RE FROM INDIANA IF . . .
1.) You know several people who have hit a deer
2.) You’ve never met any celebrities.
3.) You’ve seen all the biggest bands ten years after they were popular.
4.) Down south to you means Kentucky.
5.) You have no problem spelling or pronouncing “Terre Haute”.
6.) Your school classes were canceled because of cold.
7.) Your school classes were canceled because of heat.
8.) You know what the phrase “Knee-high by the Fourth of July” means.
9.) You’ve heard of Euchre, you know how to play Euchre, and you are the master of Euchre.
10.) You’ve seen a running car, with nobody in it, in the parking lot of the grocery store no matter what time of year it is.
11.) You end your sentences with an unnecessary preposition. Example: “Where’s my coat at?” or “If you go to the mall I wanna’ go with.”
12.) Detassling was your first job. Bailing hay, your second. Or you could stack hay, swim in the pond to clean off, and then have the strength to play a couple of games of hoops all in the same barnlot on the same day.
13.) You’ve ever had to switch from “heat” to “A/C” in the same day. ” or “stoke the fire” and “fling open the windows” for the older version.
14.) You say things like “catty-wumpus” and “kitty-corner”.
15.) You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
16.) You carry jumper cables in your car regularly.
17.) You drink “pop”.
18.) You know what “cow tipping” is.
19.) You know that Bailin’ wire was the predecessor to Duct tape.
20.) You know that strangers are the only ones that come to your ‘front’ door.
21.) Kids and dogs ride in the passenger seats of cars and the backs of pick ups.
22.) You think nothing of it in spring and fall to be stuck behind a farm implement driving on the roads.
23.) High school basketball game draws a bigger crowd on the weekend nights than movie theatres.
24.) Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
25.) The local paper covers national and international headlines on 1 page, but requires 6 for sports.
26.) Most can repeat the scores of the last 8 IU games, but unless the VP is a Hoosier, we aren’t sure who he is.
27.) If you can see at least 2 basketball hoops from your yard.
28.) You can name every one of Bob Knight’s “exploits” over the last 20 years.
29.) You shop at Marsh.
30.) Damon Bailey was your childhood hero.
31.) The biggest question of your youth was “IU or Purdue?”
32.) Indianapolis is the “big city.”
33.) “Getting caught for a train” is a legitimate excuse for being late to school.
34.) The Wabash River is “biggest body of water” near your house.
35.) You know of several different definitions as to what a Hoosier really is.
36.) People at your high school chewed tobacco.
37.) Everyone knows who the town cop is, where he lives, and whether he is at home or on duty.
38.) To get to school you had to drive on a gravel road, a road with several right-angle turns in it, or if you were really lucky, over a covered bridge.
39.) People in your neighborhood, really, REALLY like Nascar.
40.) You actually know what the CART vs. IRL debate is about, and you have taken a side.
41.) To you, a raccoon is simply a “coon.”
42.) The vehicle of choice in your area is not a car, but a pickup.
43.) You are a BIG John Mellencamp fan.
44.) You’ve been to the Covered Bridge Festival.
45.) You took backroads to get there… why sit in traffic?
46.) To you, a tenderloin is not an expensive cut of beef but a big, salty, breaded piece of pork served on a bun with pickles.
47.) You call a green pepper a “mango.”
48.) Sometimes, you call the toilet the “commode” or the “stool.”
49.) Everyone in your town knows the high school quarterback and basketball starters…personally.
50.) In the fall, one of your favorite pranks was “corning” cars.
51.) You know what “corning” is.
52.) Half of the kids at your high school were related to each other… and knew about it.
53.) The rest of the kids at your school eventually discovered they were related to each other… after running into one another at family reunions.
54.) Walmart is the most exciting place in your hometown.
55.) Technically, you don’t even live in a town.
56.) The county fair is THE social event in your area.
57.) You go to the fair every night of it’s week-long duration.
58.) Everyone at your high school has dated each other. Literally.
59.) You know what FFA stands for.
60.) A typical party at your high school consisted of a bunch of people driving trucks into the woods or an empty field, lighting a bonfire, and staring at it while drinking a few beers.
61.) It is a 30 minute drive from your house to the grocery store.
62.)”Y’all” is an acceptable form of address for groups of three or more people.
63.) Your friends’ parents had all the same teachers in high school that you had.
64.) You are so used to the smell of pig poop that it doesn’t really disgust you anymore.
65.) You had friends who wore their mud/poop/dirt covered “barn shoes” to school.
66.) You know what chip-and-seal is, and your high school was located on just such a road.
67.) You think that Notre Dame is a college near South Bend, and not a cathedral in France.
68.) You know at least five people who own belt buckles with their initials on them. These buckles are the size of a dinner plate.
69.) Cows have been known to graze on your high school’s baseball diamond.